BUILDING INTIMACY IN MARRIAGE

LIBRARY MATERIALS ON BUILDING INTIMACY IN MARRIAGE

 

Course Objective:

• To enable participants not just build intimacy in their relationships, but to develop enduring affection for a rewarding experience.
• To let participants, know the true meaning of intimacy, the benefits and its power
• Different Types of Intimacy
• Identify Unhealthy Intimacy

 

LECTURE OVERVIEW:

 

MODULE 1 – INTIMACY IN MARRIAGE

Exercise 1- Definition

Exercise 2 – Benefits of intimacy

ACTIVITY

 

MODULE 2 – TYPES OF INTIMACY

 

MODULE 3 – EXPERIENTIAL INTIMACY

Exercise 1 – Benefits of Experiential Intimacy

 

MODULE 4 – AESTHETIC INTIMACY

Exercise 1 – Benefits of Aesthetic Intimacy

 

MODULE 5 – INTELLECTUAL INTIMACY

Exercise 1 – Benefits of Intellectual Intimacy

 

MODULE 6 – PHYSICAL INTIMACY

Exercise 1 – Benefits of Physical Intimacy

ACTIVITY

 

MODULE 7 – SPIRITUAL INTIMACY

Exercise 1 – Benefits of Spiritual Intimacy

 

MODULE 7 – EMOTIONAL INTIMACY

Exercise 1 – Benefits of Emotional Intimacy

 

 

MODULE 9 – FEAR OF INTIMACY

 

MODULE 10- OVERCOMING THE FEAR OF INTIMACY

 

MODULE 11 – UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS

Exercise 1- Why Do People Enter into Unhealthy Relationships?

Exercise 2- How to Get Out of an Unhealthy Relationship

ACTIVITY

 

MODULE 13 – UNDERSTANDING YOUR SPOUSE’S LANGUAGE

Exercise 1 – The five-love language in marriage
Exercise 2 – Words of Affirmation

Exercise 3 – Quality Time

Exercise 4 – Receiving Gifts

Exercise 5 – Acts of Service

Exercise 6 – Physical Touch

Exercise 7 – Understanding time apart in Intimacy

 

MODULE 3- HOW TO BUILD INTIMACY

 

FINAL TIPS

 

 

 

Introduction

Intimacy in marriage and relationships in general is the oil on which the engine runs. Without it, no relationship can stand and if it runs dry, the vehicle of the relationship will come to a grinding halt. However, very few understand this and even fewer are able to navigate the often-complicated terrain of building and sustaining intimacy with their partner.

It is often assumed that intimacy automatically occurs between married partners. But we see too many ‘strangers’ in the marriage relationship. Intimacy in marriage is not automatic. This course explores how couples can create and maintain intimacy by building awareness that can foster deep friendship.

 

 

MODULE 1

Exercise 1- Definition

 

• Intimacy is derived from the Latin word intimus, meaning ‘inmost’. Intimacy suggests a very strong personal relationship, a special emotional closeness that includes showing understanding for and being understood by someone who is very special. This produces a feeling of security in which trust and communication abound. When two people are intimate with each other, they feel as if they see into each other’s souls, knowing their hopes, dreams, and fears and understanding them at a deep level.

 

• It’s a kind of connectedness between two people that has less to do with physical closeness and more with knowing someone at a deep level and feeling totally accepted in their presence.

 

• More of an affectionate bond characterized by mutual caring, responsibility, trust, open communication of feelings and sensations. And the ability to be familiar with your partner on a mental and emotional level.

 

• Being intimate with someone means taking the risk to be close to them and allowing that person to step inside your personal boundaries. It requires vulnerability, but it also requires security. Openness can be scary, but the acceptance each partner offers in the midst of vulnerability provides a wonderful sense of security. Intimate couples can feel safe – fully exposed perhaps, yet fully accepted. Relationships that lack intimacy are often characterized by a lack of trust, poor communication, secrets, and hidden emotions.

 

 

Exercise 2 – Benefits of intimacy

General benefits of Intimacy

• Health benefits
• Openness
• Comfort
• Knowledge gain
• Connection
• Trust

 

Activity

• What benefits of intimacy are present in your marriage?

Describe how you plan to increase intimacy in your relationship

• Going by the above introduction would you say you are intimate with your partner?
• On a scale of one to ten, how would you rate your intimacy level?

 

 

MODULE 2 – THE DIFFERENT TYPES OF INTIMACY

Types of Intimacy

• Experiential Intimacy
• Aesthetic Intimacy
• Intellectual Intimacy
• Physical Intimacy
• Spiritual Intimacy
• Emotional Intimacy
• Conflict Intimacy
• Creative Intimacy

 

 

MODULE 3- EXPERIENTIAL INTIMACY

Benefits Experiential Intimacy

• Because couples don’t have to do everything together, this type of intimacy helps to share some experiences (without any distractions, such as electronic gadgets).

 

• With this type of intimacy, couples get together to “actively involve themselves with each other.” Even if they are quarrelling or not talking at the time. They are just involved in mutual activities. This relationship could occur in an aerobics class, or at a religious centre.

 

• Perhaps a couple may not want to speak with each other but want to still do things together. So, this intimacy gives room for that. You can still be intimate without even speaking. You both could do something like dancing, painting, or building something.

 

• The experience shared in this intimacy brings couples closer together.When couples bond during leisure activities. They may “sync up” their actions in teamwork or find themselves acting in unison.

 

MODULE 4 – AESTHETIC INTIMACY

Benefits of Aesthetic Intimacy

• Aesthetic intimacy helps couples discover new ways of looking at, listening to, moving in and speaking of their everyday experiences.

 

• It encourages the sharing of couple’s day to day activities together, ta various perception, and intelligent thought.

 

• Since aesthetic quality is concentrated in the arts, the study of music, dance, drama and the visual arts, couples who have such intimacy directly develop aesthetic awareness as it opens up areas of learning too seldom experienced in the relationship.
• The power of a work of art to transform broken relationship, the partnership of spouses sharing insights, the challenge of taking risks to ask open-ended questions, the excitement of learning to express oneself in new ways
• It is an opportunity to combine mind and emotion, cognition and sensory experience, analysis and intuition toward understanding something as a whole.

 

MODULE 5 – INTELLECTUAL INTIMACY

Benefits of Intellectual Intimacy

Intellectual commitment is a lot bigger than any form of physical commitment. While Physical intimacy has its climaxes, and down turns, intellectual intimacy may only rise if both parties continue to enjoy the other person’s mindset and dialogue.

It is through intellectual intimacy a couple becomes friends and bond outside of a physical or sexual connection.

 

It improves attitudes in a relationship. There is an old saying that “attitude determines aptitude”. People usually are attracted to and bond with others who have the same attitude as they do. If you have a positive attitude or desire one, then you will be attracted to someone who has a positive attitude.  If you are a negative person, you will be attracted to people with negative attitudes.

 

Couples will find each other interesting and intellectually stimulating especially if you have a degree in the same field or share a hobby.  Every love song started with a story.  Every business started with an idea.  There is always an interest that starts an intimate relationship.

 

Couples with intellectual intimacy connect with each other because they enjoy talking with each other and spending time together.  One person’s idea of fun may not be another’s but in order to enjoy each other’s company, there is some activity that the both of you enjoy.  People bond over finding someone to have fun and hang out with because there is so much negativity in the world.

 

If two partners work on a stressful job and share experiences that others would not understand? E.g. Agriculture workers, local government workers, doctors, police officers, truck drivers, military personnel, and lawyers have a high degree of marriages among their occupations.

 

Intellectual intimacy supports friendships and relationships in addition to a sexual relationship but an intellectual intimate connection can maintain a relationship on its own merit. Most intellectual intimate attributes that cause better communication in a romantic relationship are many:  fun, attitude, interesting, supportive, loyalty and core values among a few.

 

MODULE 6 – PHYISICAL INTIMACY

Benefits of Physical Intimacy

Some of these benefits include

Love Articulated- Physical intimacy is one of the prime ways by which partners are able to express their love for each other. Time spent together in privacy can be very thrilling and exciting which makes it a very powerful way of showing your spouse that you love him or her. This interaction releases oxytocin and dopamine the hormone and neurotransmitter respectively that are responsible for feeling closer to your partner, trust, and happiness. A marriage relationship is threatened to fail when it lacks sexual satisfaction.

 

Physical Intimacy De-stresses the Couple- Sharing physical intimacy with your spouse is known to relieve stress in the brain and lower blood pressure, hence making you rest better. This is beyond sex. Studies show that acts like hugging or hand-holding can trigger the release of oxytocin. This triggers the pleasure centres of the brain which lower feelings of anxiety. This can be quite therapeutic.

 

An Intercourse Bigger than Sex- Beyond sexual intercourse (which is just one aspect of intercourse between couples), physical intimacy with your partner allows for a sharing of personal closeness which can help in promoting the already existent chemistry between you both. This causes excitement and further strengthens the bond that you share.

 

Ensures Gratification in Relationship – Physical touch is such an important aspect of companionship that relationship satisfaction is largely unachievable without it. Couples who are physically intimate experience a higher rate of satisfaction in the relationship because it makes them feel cared about by each other.

 

Helps Establish Trust- Oxytocin, a hormone that is released when couples are intimate, enhances trust and a stronger sense of companionship between them. Trust is a huge part of relationships. Where there is trust, people are better able to express themselves freely without suspicion of third-party interference in the relationship. This engenders openness, honesty, and greater vulnerability. These are vital to experiencing bliss in relationships. This also impacts upon their social interactions in general.

 

Takes Affection Beyond the Bedroom- Most people think that intimacy in the bedroom ends there. But on the contrary, bedroom intimacy leads to more couple connection outside of it. This helps couples to build such a strong connection that even when they are among other people, they still feel connected. Again, try to avoid limiting your thoughts to actual sexual intercourse. Simple acts like holding hands, exchanging banters, cuddling, walking arm in arm, and being physically playful, contributes significantly to creating this connection. Positive memories are built and the desire for more of those memories is heightened and sustained ultimately keeping couples closer and more affectionate with each other even in other aspects of life.

 

Immunity Booster- It is important to connect all these dots. Like I have already said repeatedly, oxytocin only contributes to trust, but also makes people more rested mentally and physically which obviously has effects on the immune system. Physical intimacy with your partner will raise the antibodies in your immune system increasing your chances of withstanding opportunistic illnesses caused by viruses and germs.

 

Raises Morale- Because physical intimacy boosts dopamine, it makes you feel happier. This has implications on confidence and enthusiasm for life. The affection that accompanies this experience of physical intimacy actually gives morale a boost.

 

Healthy for Both- From the benefits stated above, it is obvious that physical intimacy has great health benefits associated with it. For example, it is proven that regular sex can lower a man’s risk of developing prostate cancer. Being physically intimate without sex also has its benefits. When couples cuddle themselves in the bed, their sleep is enhanced. Oxytocin is also reputed to relieve pain and headaches.

 

Rejuvenates the Youth in You- Couples who have sex regularly have been known to look younger. This is due to the oestrogen and testosterone released during sex which gives the body a young healthy glow.

 

Physical intimacy is much more than sex though it may include it. It is a platform for deep emotional connection which builds trust, boosts morale, and has many other benefits.

 

ACTIVITY

• What challenges are you and your partner having in your quest for physical intimacy? Highlight them with your partner. – Try to identify a few ways by which you can overcome these challenges.

 

MODULE 7 – SPIRITUAL INTIMACY

Benefits of Spiritual Intimacy

The more couples have spiritual intimacy, the less critical or hostile both will act. More spiritual intimacy in marriage will help both wives and husbands exhibit more warmth, humour, and love toward their spouse during marital interactions

 

Value is a benefit in spiritual intimacy. When you have spiritual intimacy with your spouse, you value the purpose for your spouse’s life and the dreams of their heart. A good marriage happens when two people join together to help each other fulfil the purpose of their lives. When you value each other spiritually, you help your spouse reach their spiritual potential.

 

You become truly sacrificial. Sacrifice is essential to spiritual intimacy. The act of sacrificing the desire to only promote yourself or worry about yourself. In other words, you give of yourself on behalf of the other. Both men and women have a natural selfishness, we will only care about ourselves. Spiritual intimacy will not occur unless we both put our own needs behind meeting the needs of our spouse. The ideal marriage is two servants in love.

 

In spiritual intimacy, trust is being built. This means creating the atmosphere where you can share your deepest spiritual desires and dreams—and so can your spouse. Once you’ve shared your dreams, your spouse must honour them, respect them, and treat them carefully. Research has shown that the deepest fights in a relationship occur on a “dream level”—what our hearts long for, the most.

 

Spiritual intimacy strongly encourages feelings of love toward each other in marriage. It enhances better communication skills in daily life at home, and greater satisfaction with the marriage across the transition to parenthood. Although stable characteristics of your spouse, such as personality traits, income, education can affect the benefits of spiritual intimacy.

 

Greater spiritual intimacy by wives and husbands predicts better marital functioning for both husbands and wives, greater spiritual intimacy is tied to Greater warmth, humour, and love for one’s spouse, less negativity and hostility toward spouse and greater satisfaction with the marriage

 

Couples who have a deep spiritual connection with each other are more motivated to remain kind and resist the urge to “go negative” when they discuss their core conflicts. In other words, couples may need a deep reason, like maintaining their level of spiritual intimacy, to remain civil and engaged when they are upset with each other. In lay person’s terms, the risk of losing your connection to your soul mate may motivate you to resist the urge to try to win a given battle when you and your partner get into difficult discussions about your core disagreements.

 

It brings spiritual disclosure which refers to when spouses openly discuss their spiritual journeys, questions, and doubts with one another. Understanding spiritual intimacy can be correlated with greater use of collaborative methods to resolve conflict, parenting, discussing sensitive topics with each other (e.g., politics, alcohol or drug use),

 

 

MODULE 8 – EMOTIONAL INTIMACY

Benefits of Emotional Intimacy

• Challenges are Better Handled- Connecting on an emotional level gives you the ability to work through challenges irrespective of your differences. Challenges in a relationship are inevitable, which means you have to find a way to handle them. Most couples go their separate ways because they fail to successfully handle challenges. An emotional bond makes you understand that you can rely on your partner for emotional support, which is essential when it comes to resolving problems.

 

Expectations are Realistic – Most couples have unrealistic expectations. At the end of the day, they find that their expectations haven’t been met and they become disappointed. Emotional intimacy allows you to establish realistic expectations. It creates space for both you and your partner to accept each other’s limitations and support each other. You will be able to better accommodate for what you aren’t receiving from the other partner. This builds an element of trust, tolerance and creativity. At the end of the day, both of you enjoy a rewarding environment whereby you know what to expect from your partner.

 

Respect Soars- Emotional intimacy in relationships helps you give and receive respect from your partner. Respect comes in handy when you are faced with a conflict. Lack of respect leads to a bitter exchange of harsh words with no one willing to accept their mistakes. Respect allows you to consider the other partner’s sentiments and help resolve the conflict amicably. An emotional bond helps develop respect, which is vital in resolving conflict between the two of you.

 

Spontaneous Fun is Activated- Forced fun is the worst form of fun that a couple can have. When fun becomes planned, it ends up being boring and lustre less. You will pretend you are having fun, yet it isn’t really that way. Emotional intimacy in relationships creates space for the two of you to do things spontaneously in a fun way. Emotional connections help you connect in a more natural way. Fun will come to you naturally and you won’t strain to enjoy each other’s company to the fullest. Both of you can let loose and have fun at any time.

 

True, Authentic Communication Becomes an Experience- Emotional intimacy allows you to really listen for true understanding. You will be able to listen to your partner and understand their point of view from their perspective. This creates a platform for you to communicate better and listen to each other more. A breakdown in communication is one of the reasons that marriages fall apart so quickly and easily. When you know when to listen and when to talk, you find it easier to get through to your partner. Intimacy creates a platform for real, genuine communication.

 

Fosters an Atmosphere of Authenticity- When you connect on an emotional level, you don’t withhold anything from your partner. You will instead have a real and realistic engagement with each other. You will have a relationship based on true feelings rather than pretence at all times; an atmosphere of authenticity is created in your relationship.

 

Boosts Your Physical Health- Stress is one of the reasons that people have poor health. When you are happy with your relationship, your body releases oxytocin, which improves your mood. A happy existence promotes bonding and solidifies your relationship. This also boosts optimal health. Emotional intimacy in relationships prevents suspicion, jealousy and a heart for revenge. You will enjoy health benefits of balanced energy, stamina, healthy libido and healthy sleeping patterns. Better sleeping promotes good health.

 

 

MODULE 9 – FEAR OF INTIMACY

 

MODULE 10 – OVERCOMING THE FEAR OF INTIMACY

 

MODULE 11 – UNHEALTHY INTIMACY

These are the red flags you should pay attention to in an unhealthy relationship:

• Less eye contact between you and your partner
• Lack of communication.
• Loss of intimacy, affection and more personal lovemaking
• Loss of freedom
• The inability to speak as a unit, as if the two of you are one person.
• Tend to perform the roles of being together, going through the motions without necessarily feeling close to each other
• When your partner reads beyond the facts and assuming things regarding your attention. Always interpreting the wrong things.

Most times, couples in a fantasy bond, may start to use their daily routines to indicate closeness, rather than engaging in spontaneous acts of warmth and attraction. These couples tend to fool themselves that they are in a healthy relationship, because they participate in the form of sharing life. For example, when some couples are asked “if they are in love with their partner?” … they will reply, “We may not love each other, but we are loyal.”

 

Exercise 1- Why Do People Enter into Unhealthy Relationships?

Too often, we allow a fantasy mode of relating to replace our real feelings of love. Why do we do this? For one thing, many of us have inherent fears of true intimacy. Being vulnerable to someone leaves us feeling vulnerable to the world. We become more aware of the fragility of life, the pain of loss and death. Falling in love as an adult indicates cutting ties with our past, giving up connections to our childhood or to our parents. These connections may not be healthy, but they allowed us to feel protected from the reality of time passing and facing certain painful aspects of life. When fears arise in our relationships, without realizing it, we often give up our feelings of love in favour of a fantasy of connection to our partner.

 

In order to stay connected to our past, we may choose partners who fit in with our defences, who replicate destructive patterns from our childhood. For example, if we had a passive parent who frequently ignored us, we may choose a partner who is dismissive or self-centred.  We may form a dysfunctional relationship, in which we feel similar ways we did as a child, hungry for attention, deprived or rejected. By getting to know ourselves, our past and our patterns, we can come to understand why and how we wind up in unhealthy relationships. We can learn to have compassion for ourselves, as we understand our choices and consciously decide how to break from destructive relationship patterns.

 

Unhealthy relationships will give us an illusion of satisfaction and fulfilment in false ideas of comfort. But like a mirage, the more we seek them, the more elusive they become and the more miserable we become for setting our hearts on something that continues to appear unattainable.

 

Exercise 2- How to Get Out of an Unhealthy Relationship

 

ACTIVITY

• Are you in an unhealthy relationship?
• If yes, how have you noticed that you and your partner make less personal contact?
• Is there less physical affection exchanged between the two of you? Have you stopped having sex as often or even at all?
• Has the communication broken down between you and your partner? Do you think these changes could be an indication that you and your partner are in an unhealthy relationship?

 

MODULE 11 – UNDERSTANDING YOUR SPOUSE’S LANGUAGE

Exercise 1 – The five-love language in marriage

Since you may be speaking what you need, you can discover your own love language by asking yourself these questions:

• How do I express love to others?
• What do I complain about the most?
• What do I request most often?

 

There are five (5) generally accepted LOVE LANGUAGES.

These 5 Languages of Love are:

• Words of Affirmation
• Quality Time
• Receiving Gifts
• Acts of Service
• Physical Touch

 

Exercise 2 – Words of Affirmation

These are individuals who receive love through words of affirmation.

Actions:

• Use Kind and Complimentary words
• Speak to build esteem
• Use Suggestions rather Instructions
• Speak to encourage or inspire courage
• Use all ways to convey great words.

Reactions:

• Builds bonds
• Creates Intimacy
• Heals Wounds
• Brings out the full potential of your mate

 

Exercise 3 – Quality Time

Quality Time

This implies giving your partner your undivided attention.

Actions:

• Spend quality time together Sharing
• Spend quality time together Listening
• Avoid any form of distraction while conversing
• Participate in joint Meaningful Activities

 

Reactions:

• Creates a Sense of Caring for each other
• Creates a Sense of Enjoyment of each other

 

NB: While words of affirmation focuses on what you are SAYING, quality time focuses on what you are HEARING.

 

Tips for quality conversation

• Focus on your partner
• Avoid receiving/making calls while conversing
• Avoid playing games or watching television
• Maintain eye contact
• Be sensitive to emotions
• You cannot be reading a book or text message while listening
• Be sensitive to body signs
• Don’t always interrupt your partner
• Go out on a walk/outdoor activity

 

Exercise 4 – Receiving Gifts

These are individuals who receive love through receiving gifts.

gifts are tangible and intangible symbols of love.

 

Actions:

• Visual Symbols of Love
• Purchase it or Make it yourself
• Give birthday surprises
• Be there for your partner
• Do it consistently and differently

 

Reactions:

• Demonstrates you Care
• Represents the Value of your Relationship
• Increases your level of intimacy

 

Exercise 5 – Acts of Service

These are individuals who receive love through acts of service.

this involves taking practical steps to do things for or with your partner.

all acts of service require thoughtful planning, efforts, time and energy.

 

Actions:

• Participate in carrying out activities of interest to or with the person.
• Help in advancing the career, ministry or profession of the person.

 

Reactions:

• Creates a Sense of Importance
• Heals Wounds
• Creates a Sense of Sharing in life together

 

Exercise 6 – Physical Touch

These are individuals who RECEIVE LOVE through PHYSICAL TOUCH.

This involves the use of our hands to strengthen the bonds in a relationship.

 

Actions:

• A warm handshake
• Holding each other on an outdoor walk
• A ‘thank you’ embrace.

 

Reactions:

• A sense of being cared for
• A sense of connection
• A sense of feeling Safe

 

Exercise 7 – Understanding time apart in Intimacy

 

MODULE 3- HOW TO BUILD INTIMACY

 

FINAL TIPS

FINAL TIPS

It is true that not all forms of intimacy can be achieved. For example, there are instances where sexual intimacy cannot be achieved due to an ailment or accident suffered by a partner. Now, in such circumstance lack of sexual intimacy makes the flow of physical intimacy milder but that doesn’t hinder other forms of Physical intimacy to be practised (spending quality time together, holding hands, touching etc.)

 

ENCOURAGEMENT FOR COUPLES

It is important that every couple should not have unrealistic expectations in their marriage. However, not expecting enough from your union is problematic too as you’re probably not as happy as you could be. So that means it’s important to know what you’re getting into before you tie the knot. But it is always real, redeeming, and beautiful when your marriage is free from too much expectations. The followings will help encourage you

 

• Expecting the extraordinary can lower self-esteem. Your expectation will taint your learning experience in marriage and burden you then you beging to self-doubt and hurt. So, why would you want this for yourself or your partner?

 

• Having high ideals is the quickest way to kill a marriage, expecting too much of your husband or wife can make a couple divorce if their marriage is already rocky. Usually those whose marriages are pretty solid have the knowledge to deal with this situation.

 

• The truth is that, you can’t remain in love to each other every single day for the rest of your lives. Don’t think your marriage is broken just because you are no more mushy-gushy-in-love. It is important to know that this is normal in marriage

 

• Don’t expecting your spouse to respect you more than you respect yourself. It is important you never beg anyone for the love, respect, and attention that you should be showing yourself It’s important to be nice to your spouse, but it’s even more important to be nice to yourself.  When you practice self-love and self-respect, you give yourself the opportunity to be happy.  When you are happy, you become a better partner, and a better you

 

• Stop expecting your spouse to suddenly change. You can’t change people and you shouldn’t try to change them. It is either you accept who your spouse is for who they are or you choose to live without them.  If there’s a need to change something, it is good you are honest with them so they know how you feel and what you need them to do.

Because, when you try to change people, they often remain the same, but when you don’t try to change them – when you support them and allow them the freedom to be as they are – they gradually change in the most beautiful way. You have to be pragmatic