BOUNDARIES IN MARRIAGE

MODULE 1 – UNDERSTANDING BOUNDARIES

Exercise 1- Definition of a boundary

Exercise 2 – Signs of boundary problems

Exercise 3 – Boundaries conflict

Exercise 4 – Reason for boundaries in marriage

 

MODULE 2 – SYMPTOMS OF BOUNDARY PROBLEMS

Exercise 1- Functional symptoms

Exercise 2 – Clinical symptoms

Exercise 3 – Relationships symptoms

ACTIVITY

Exercise 4 – Importance of boundaries

 

MODULE 3 – OWNERSHIP

Exercise 1 – Importance of ownership

ACTIVITY

 

MODULE 4 – RESPONSIBILITY

Exercise 1 – Definition Responsibility

Exercise 2 – Why Responsibility?

Exercise 3 – Importance of responsibility

ACTIVITY

 

MODULE 5 – FREEDOM

Exercise 1 – Introduction

Exercise 2 – Why freedom?

Exercise 3 – importance

ACTIVITY

 

MODULE 5 – PROTECTION

Exercise 1 – Introduction

Exercise 2 – Why?

Exercise 3 – Importance of Protection

ACTIVITY

 

MODULE 6 – SELF-CONTROL

Exercise 1 – Introduction

Exercise 2 – Why self-control?

Exercise 3 – Importance of self-control

ACTIVITY

 

MODULE 7 – TOOLS FOR SETTING BOUNDARIES

Exercise 1 – Introduction

Exercise 2 – Words

Exercise 3 – Truth

Exercise 4 – Consequences

Exercise 5 – Emotional Distance

Exercise 6 – Physical Distance

Exercise 7 – Third party

 

MODULE 8 – APPLYING THE TEN LAWS OF BOUNDARIES IN MARRIAGE

Exercise 1 – Law #1: The Law of Sowing and Reaping

Exercise 2 – Law #2: The Law of Responsibility

Exercise 3 – Law #3: The Law of Power

Exercise 4 – Law #4: The Law of Respect

Exercise 5 – Law #5: The law of Motivation

Exercise 6 – Law #6: The Law of Evaluation

Exercise 7 – Law #7: The Law of Proactivity

Exercise 8 – Law #8: The Law of Envy

Exercise 9 – Law #9: The Law of Activity

Exercise 10 – Law #10: The Law of Exposure

 

MODULE 9 – SETTING BOUNDARIES ON YOURSELF

Exercise 1 – Introduction

Exercise 2 – Ownership

Exercise 3 – Empowerment

Exercise 4 – Exercise respect freedom

Exercise 5 – Control

Exercise 6 – Appearance and approval

 

MODULE 10 – BOUNDARIES IN MARRAIGE

Exercise 1 – Building boundaries in your marriage

Exercise 3 – Values that drive boundaries

 

MODULE 11 – RESISTANCE TO BOUNDARIES

Exercise 1 – External resistance

Exercise 2 – Internal resistance

Exercise 3 – Test of boundaries

 

MODULE 12 – EXEMPLIFYING GRACE

 

 

 

 

 

 

THIS ENTIRE WORK IS BASED ON THE RESEARCH OF DR HENRY CLOUD, DR JOHN TOWNSEND. THANKS FOR YOUR WONDERFUL CONTRIBUTION TO THE WORLD

TOPIC: BOUNDARIES IN MARRIAGE

INTRODUCTION

In the marital relationship, love is the first foundation required to build a home however it seem not to be enough as there are other ingredients required to make marriage thrive and grow. One of such ingredient is maintaining a healthy boundary. A lot of marital conflicts has been traced down to a lack of or breakdown of boundary. There is a need to achieve intimacy in marriage but ironically there is a level of respect for individuality and space that is required to make this happen. You need to be loveable enough to say yes to your spouse but you also need to be free to say no when it matters so that your spouse does not encroach on your boundary.

This course will help you clarify some deep-rooted emotions that are usually at the root of some marital dissatisfaction and conflicts. This course will also serve as an eye opener to how our inability to set boundaries is the origin to so many marital challenges and furnish us with tools on how to change it. It is important to note here that boundaries are not about changing your spouse rather they are about changing you as an individual.

 

MODULE 1 – UNDERSTANDING BOUNDARIES

Exercise 1 – Definition of a boundary

ACTIVITY

 Question: In marriage do you think there is a need for there to be a demarcating line of any sort between couples?

 

Exercise 2 – Signs of boundary problems

ACTIVITY

 How does this scenarios apply to you?

 Activity: Create a scenario for each of the situation mentioned above especially in a relationship/marriage situation

 

Exercise 3 – Boundaries conflict

Exercise 4 – Reason for boundaries in marriage

 

MODULE 2 – SYMPTOMS OF BOUNDARY PROBLEMS

Exercise 1 – Functional symptoms

 Inability to complete a goal or task-

 Extreme disorganization;

 Drop in energy level- burnout. Compelled to. A sense of doing what I have to, should, must do not what I want to do. Eg over-extended boundaries and poor boundary choices.

 Lack of concentration.

 

Exercise 2 – Clinical symptoms

 Depression

 Resentment

 Outburst of rage

 Obsessive compulsive problems

 Compulsive behaviours

 

Exercise 3 – Relationships symptoms

 Loss of freedom

· Direct control -Boundary violator (can’t hear no) and boundary victim (can’t say no)

· Control by manipulation

 

 Loss of love

 

Exercise 4 – Importance of boundaries

 Ownership

 Responsibility

 Freedom

 

MODULE 3 – OWNERSHIP

Exercise 1 – Importance of ownership

ACTIVITY

 What are your ideas on ownership in marriage? Where do you think the lines are blurred?

 

MODULE 4 – RESPONSIBILITY

Exercise 1 – Definition Responsibility

Exercise 2 – Why Responsibility?

Exercise 3 – Importance of responsibility

Exercise 4 – What each couple should take responsibility for:

Each spouse must take responsibility for the following things;

 Feelings

 Attitudes

 Behaviours

 Choices

 Limits

 Desires

 Thoughts

 Values

 Talents

 Love

 

ACTIVITY

 How can couples encourage irresponsibility in their spouses? Give scenarios

 

MODULE 5 – FREEDOM

Exercise 1 – Introduction

Exercise 2 – Why freedom?

Exercise 3 – importance of Freedom

ACTIVITY

 Using either a marriage or courtship setting, develop a case study that demonstrates how the ignorance of the power of freedom a person possesses can cause him/her pain.

 

MODULE 4 – PROTECTION

Exercise 1 – Introduction

Exercise 2 – Why Freedom?

Exercise 3 – Importance of Freedom

ACTIVITY

 Create a scenario that describes how healthy individuals can protect themselves from an abusive partner?

 Is there any acceptable area/thing/period that should be left unprotected from your spouse and why?

 

MODULE 5 – SELF-CONTROL

Exercise 1 – Introduction

Exercise 2 – Why Self-control?

Exercise 3 – Importance of Self-control?

ACTIVITY

 What in your opinion is the difference between self-control and other control in setting boundaries

 

MODULE 6 – TOOLS FOR SETTING BOUNDARIES

Exercise 1 – Introduction

Exercise 2 – Words

Exercise 3 – Truth

Exercise 4 – Consequences

Exercise 5 – Emotional Distance

Exercise 6 – Physical Distance

Exercise 7 – Third party

 

MODULE 7 – APPLYING THE TEN LAWS OF BOUNDARIES IN MARRIAGE

Exercise 1 – Law #1: The Law of Sowing and Reaping

 

Exercise 2 – Law #2: The Law of Responsibility

 

Exercise 3 – Law #3: The Law of Power

 

Exercise 4 – Law #4: The Law of Respect

 

Exercise 5 – Law #5: The law of Motivation

 

Exercise 6 – Law #6: The Law of Evaluation

 

Exercise 7 – Law #7: The Law of Proactivity

 

Exercise 8 – Law #8: The Law of Envy

 

Exercise 9 – Law #9: The Law of Activity

 

Exercise 10 – Law #10: The Law of Exposure

 

MODULE 8 – SETTING BOUNDARIES ON YOURSELF

Exercise 1 – Introduction

Setting boundaries on yourself is about taking up responsibility for how you treat yourself, how you participate in the way others treat you and how you treat other people. When we begin to set boundaries on ourselves, we focus more on our contribution and not on others and in the process, we becoming more loveable. It is important to note that before we set boundaries for others, we must of necessity set boundaries for our self, this will encourage our spouse/future spouse to follow suit.

 

Exercise 2 – Ownership

Accepting how you contribute to the issues in your marriage and taking ownership of it. When we play the blame game it oversimplifies the problem. When THEY change, the problem will disappear.

 You respond and react to others

 Enabling others – encouraging stupidity and irresponsibility

 Take initiative to solve the problem

 

Exercise 3 – Empowerment

An important aspect of setting boundaries with ourselves is that of taking ownership of our lives. We need to take responsibilities for our hearts, our loves, our time, and our talents.

Exercise 4 – Respect freedom

Submitting to the boundary process is the great equalizer in marriage and keeps both spouses in a mutual relationship instead of in a one-up or one-down one. Both need to accept and respect the limits of the other; no one plays God, doing what he wants and expecting the other to comply.

Exercise 5 – Control

 Relinquishing our attempts at control

 Guilt

 Anger

 Withholding love

 Understanding the cost of control

 

Exercise 6 – Appearance and approval

Another aspect of setting limits with ourselves in marriage is the difficulty that comes in being the “good” spouse. In many marriages one mate is obviously selfish, irresponsible, withdrawn, or controlling. The other is perceived as a suffering saint, and people wonder how he tolerates the pain of living with such a problem person. This often makes it hard for the “good” spouse to set appropriate boundaries for himself.

There are a number of reasons for this;

 First the suffering spouse may focus more on his spouse’s problems than on his own. The more apparent the flaws of the spouse rather than the problems of the sufferer.

 

 Second, the “good” spouse often feels helpless in the relationship. He has tried to love better and more, yet the problem continues. Because being “good” generally means being caring and compassionate, he doesn’t have access to other helpful tools, such as truthfulness, honest, limits and consequences.

 

 Third, the “good” spouse can easily take a morally superior position toward his spouse. Since his contributions to the problem may not be as obvious, he may think. I am not capable of being as destructive as my mate. This s a dangerous position to take.

 

MODULE 10 – BOUNDARIES IN MARRAIGE

Exercise 1 – Building boundaries in your marriage

Intimacy is built over time. It comes from your own growth not in finding a new partner. Intimacy requires

 Growth pains

 Completing vs complementing

 A complete person is able to do all the things that adult life requires

 Give and receive love

 Live out honest values

 Be independent

 Self sufficient

 Be responsible

 Have self confidence

 Deal with problems and failures

 Live out their talents

 

Exercise 2 – Values that drive boundaries

 Love for God

 Love for your spouse

 Honesty

 Faithfulness

 Compassion and forgiveness

 Holiness

 

 

MODULE 11 – RESISTANCE TO BOUNDARIES

NOTE ON IT NOT FOUND AND IT IS TO BE PROVIDED IN THE LIB.

Resistance to Boundaries

Changes/growth will always be resisted by the uneducated, controlling, resistant

External

1. Anger, rage, protest against bad/good things. A. Expect it B.Connection – to reduce trauma C. Actively set limits on others anger

2. Guilt : rage that you are lying about. Putting themselves in the guilty role. B. process and accept your ‘bad self’ with others. C. walk through your need to repair them or need to be needed

3. Physical violation/resistance: use the law – a wise person listens to words but a fool consequences, b. victims need to be empowered and enlightened. Because they are drwn to that kind of craziness. They feel just like with their parents that if they unleash their anger maybe they will love me the more or I can make them happy. C. Submission: this has nothing to do about submission instead sake the dust off your sandals and resist assault. When someone is physically abusive, it is not a submission issue. It is a power/control issue

4. Look at the pain of others. Evaluate. Keep the temple secure, not to get justice. Justice is of god. Don’t play god with your boundaries. B. is the pain real, and evaluate if you are the cause of the pain. C.is the pain entitled pain. Is it becos you are not protecting them from the world, is that why you are angry? Or wanting thing their way. Entitled pain is the part of us that is narcissistic and wants things our way. Pain that makes us grow

Exercise 6Internal resistence

1. Unmet needs. The good you want to do is difficult because of personal lust that drives us to the deceitfulness of sin. To set boundaries you will realize that there is a vacuum that that abusive relationship was meeting in a sick way.and it is easier to have a bad relationship than a no relationship. E.g. an abusive parents who doesn’t love you but own you.

2. Unresolved grief: we usually deal with it by looking for someone similar and remaining mad at them. Ownership through guilt. The destructive familiar will make us sad.

3. Fear of the unknown. I don’t know what my future holds but I know who holds my future and it is only through this relationship that I can face the unknown of change. With the great cloud of witnesses. I don’t want to live out of hell, I know the name of all the streets.learn some new things

4. External focus. Modality of how we are. Blame they make us stuck. When we blame we are saying they have power over our lives today. When I find myself angry at someone for manipulating me I should ask myself, what do I want from them that gives them the power to do this. Maybe approval, validation, love etc. *if I don’t want anything from you, you cant manipulate me*

5. Guilt : under the law of sin and death. Guilt vs convictions. My feeling.

6. Fear of abandonment

7. Fear of relationships

8. Roots and Grief: married to the same guy with different names. Our battles are not agaist flesh and blood but against spiritual dynamics. Drawn to a particular dynamic. Psychologist call it – repetition compulsion. Carma. Dog returns to its vomit. Boundage and slavery.

 

Exercise 1 – External resistance

 

Exercise 2 – Internal Resistance

 

Exercise 3 – Test of boundaries

 Can I freely give it to them without resentful?

 Is this what they can do for themselves?

 Is the fruit of my love rescue?

 

 

MODULE 12 – EXEMPLIFYING GRACE