ATTACHMENT IN MARRIAGE

ATTACHMENT THEORY IN ADULTHOOD

 

COURSE OBJECTIVES:

Upon successful completion of this learning module, the student should be able to:

• Describe the main three attachment styles.
• Apply Bowlby’s work on attachment bonds to intimate adult relationships.

 

LECTURE OVERVIEW:

Introduction

MODULE 1- UNDERSTANDING ATTACHMENT THEORY

Exercise 1- Definition

Exercise 2- Summary

 

MODULE 2- ATTACHMENT STYLES

Exercise 1- Types of Attachment Styles in Relationships

Exercise 2- Secure Attachment Style

Exercise 3- Anxious Resistant/ Ambivalent Attachment Style

Exercise 4- Avoidant Attachment Style

MODULE 3 – INFLUENCE OF ATTACHMENT STYLES IN UPBRINGING

Exercise 1- Attachment Styles in Children

Exercise 2-Attachment Styles in Adult

 

MODULE 4- ATTACHMENT STYLES IN INTIMATE RELATIONSHIPS

Exercise 1- Why is Understanding Attachment so Important?

 

MODULE 5 – THE BASIC NEED TO FEEL LOVED AND VALUED

ACTIVITY

Exercise 1- What wounds love

ACTIVITY

Exercise 2 – Value

ACTIVITY

Exercise 3 – What undermines the feeling of being valued?

ACTIVITY

 

 

 

INTRODUCTION

As human beings, we are made for connection. Our need to be connected to people is a major reason for how we build relationships in different arenas. Whether it’s in the home, at work, school, or religious places of worship, people consciously and subconsciously seek attachment. We seek that depth because we are not satisfied with shallow relationships that don’t reach into the deep innermost recesses of our souls. We are wired this way. No one can survive being alone in this world. Sharing is a human need. The ability to share not just the things that we possess, but our very selves with others, is the foundation upon which we establish our humanity. It is this need to share that gives rise to attachment and its many implications in our lives.

 

These modules are designed to assist couples to deepen and strengthen their relationships. They introduce key concepts that are useful for couples.

 

 

MODULE 1 – UNDERSTANDING ATTACHMENT THEORY

Exercise 1- Definition

 

Exercise 2 – Summary

In summary, studies on attachment theory have revealed that:

• In order to develop in a healthy manner, the growing child needs: Thus, parents are experienced as being trustworthy, accessible, accepting, emotionally available and willing to help.

 

• There are critical periods, or sensitive stages, in a child’s physical, emotional and psychological development. To negotiate these successfully, the child needs an attachment figure who will provide a secure base from which she can explore and experiment. For example, a young toddler needs the encouragement of her parents to leave their side, and to start to investigate her wider world. She also needs to know that they will come to her aid, should she suddenly require their help or support. This reassurance builds the child’s confidence.

 

• Protection is one of the main functions of the attachment response. Hence, when the child is sick, afraid, anxious or unexpectedly separated from her attachment figure, she is likely to manifest separation anxiety by crying, protesting angrily or displaying clinging behaviors. If the child is pushed away, or if her feelings are ignored at this time, then trust in the caregiver may be undermined and an anxious personality may s tart to form. Instead, the distressed child’s feelings should be accepted by the parent and should be treated with both gentleness and respect.

 

• For the child to develop a secure identity, a sense of value, and healthy self-esteem, the attachment figure must seek to maintain a rewarding relationship with their child. This conveys the message that their company is wanted, and that people will enjoy spending time with them.

 

• Increasing independence and autonomy should be encouraged by the parent – in a sensitive and gentle way. That is, increasing separation over time is the goal but it must be at a pace which also suits the child. Indeed, the successful mastering of skills at each stage develops a sense of growing competency which, in turn, engenders greater independence. As self-sufficiency increases, the parent can withdraw and allow the child to assume more control over various aspects of their everyday life.

 

• However, it is crucial that the child does not feel that they are judged if their progress does not quite match their parents’ expectations. Also, she should not fear rejection if she wants to launch out, or to be more independent than her parents would like her to be (because of narrow expectations or parental neediness).

 

• In a healthy attachment, the parent is alert to situations which require more support, or which may require parental intervention. An example of this might be bullying at school.

 

Although conflict and experiencing negative emotions are normal for us all, and are simply part of life, the child may be terrified by intense and powerful feelings that can seem overwhelming, or seem contradictory. In this confusing situation, the child’s parents should help her to accept how she feels – but then also teach her how to manage her emotions in a positive way. She will then be able to accept how she feels, and will not have to struggle with anxiety and guilt.

 

 

MODULE 2 – ATTACHMENT STYLES

Exercise 1 – Types of Attachment Styles in Relationships

 

Exercise 2 – The Secure Attachment Style

 

Exercise 3 – Anxious Resistant/ Ambivalent Attachment Style

 

Exercise 4 – Avoidant Attachment Style

 

 

MODULE 3- INFLUENCE OF ATTACHMENT STYLES IN UPBRINGING

Exercise 1- Attachment Styles in Children

• Secure Attachment
• Anxious Resistant/ Ambivalent
• Avoidant

 

Exercise 2 – Attachment Styles in Adults

• Secure Attachment
• Anxious Resistant/ AmbivalentAttachment
• Avoidant Attachment

 

MODULE 4 – ATTACHMENT STYLES IN INTIMATE RELATIONSHIPS

Exercise 1- Why is Understanding Attachment so Important?

 

 

 

MODULE 5

Exercise 1- The Basic Need To Feel Loved and Valued It’s been said that we have two essential, basic needs: the need for love and for significance. We explore these briefly below. LOVE – Love consists of the following: Care (love in action): One definition of care is “attentive assistance or treatment to those in need”. Thus, an example of care in a couple might be sitting with a partner who is sick in hospital.   Kindness: This is showing thoughtfulness and being attentive to the needs, limitations, or the wishes and desires, of other people. It is an active term which implies reaching out to show that thoughtfulness in meaningful ways.   Liking: It is hard to feel loved if you don’t feel that you’re liked, or if you pick up the message that you “not quite good enough” … or that you’re disapproved of in some fundamental way. It attacks our personal value, our self-worth and self-esteem – and can cause love to grow cold, so we pull back emotionally.   Friendship: This is love that is warm, caring, selfless, genuine, affirming, tender-hearted, constant and reliable. It creates an atmosphere of safety, openness and trust, of faithfulness, of hope, and of unswerving loyalty. You know that a true friend will have your back, will take your side, will want what’s best for you, and always seek your happiness.   Tenderness: This is love that is empathic, gentle, sensitive and kind – so we feel we can be vulnerable, and real, and genuine.   Generosity: This is shown through offering others your attention and your time, your encouragement, support, and any other needed help – in a genuine, a willing, and a selfless way. Thus, there’s no obligation to “pay back” what you’ve received for the person thinks “you’re worth it” and they want to give to you.   Compassion: Compassion is a tender, genuine and heartfelt love. It involves understanding how you feel and what you need – and being moved to respond because that person cares for you.   Forgiveness: Forgiveness is needed for relationships to last. It requires us letting go of disappointment and offense, and to overlook a hurt, and choose to not pursue revenge. (That is, even where we feel it’s justified and, therefore, natural.)   ACTIVITY: Review the components of love, outlined above. Provide an example to illustrate how you have experienced these in your relationship with a partner or significant other.

 

Exercise 2 – What Wounds Love?

• Cruelty: inflicting pain on the other person, either carelessly (not caring whether they suffer or not), or deliberately (with the intention of making that person suffer). Cruelty may involve physical violence and abuse, or it may be psychological or emotional bullying – something which is just as devastating, although it leaves no discernible bruises. Cruelty is as destructive to the love of the perpetrator as it is to the love of the victim. You can no more go on loving the person you are cruel to, than you can go on hating a person to whom you are doing good. This cruelty is never mollified, the very helplessness of its victim often increases its hatred for them. Sadly, this type of cruelty is a part of the lives of too many people today.

 

• Dislike: Love and liking attract us to a person; dislike wounds our heart, so we want to turn away. Thus, if a spouse or a partner seems to disregard our feelings, and constantly acts in ways that hurt and upset us, it is hard to feel love and to draw close to that individual.

 

• Rejection: This is consciously turning away from another when that person desires to be close to us. It is particularly painful as the self is being offered – and deliberately rejected – by the person that they love.

 

• Withdrawal/ coldness: This is often a defense against the fear of rejection, and exposing their heart to further scarring and pain. Thus, they put a barrier up and they recoil from being real – for they only want more distant and detached relationships. However, it can also be a way of manipulating others – and controlling how they think, or they feel, or they act. Where this is the case, it tends to shows itself through cold, callous, calculated threats like, “I could walk out this door and leave you any time I want.”

 

• Ingratitude:There is something unattractive about ingratitude. It smacks of entitlement and self-centeredness. It is demanding our rights in a legalistic way – without considering the cost, or inconvenience it might cause.

 

• Neglect:This can be physical, emotional, psychological or social. There is a feeling that another other could (and should) have met our needs, but they didn’t care enough to make the effort, or reach out. That is why it feels so painful, and rejecting, and unkind.

 

• Meanness of Spirit:This is the opposite of generosity. It is seen in selfishness, small-mindedness, and pettiness.

 

ACTIVITY: Review the attitudes and actions that wound love. Which have you experienced in your close relationships, and especially in your relationship with your partner or spouse? How has this affected your ability to form close and meaningful relationships with others?

Exercise 3 – Value

Feeling valued has a number of key components, including:

Acceptance: This has an active and deliberate component to it. It sends the positive message: “You matter to me, and I’m glad that you love me, and are part of my life.” It includes conveying warmth, unconditional love, significance, acceptance and positive regard.

 

• Recognition:This transmits the message that “You’re important and special”. Thus, your gifts, personality, actions and achievements have been noted, admired, respected and esteemed.

 

• Affirmation:This is drawing attention to another person’s gifts, skills, qualities, abilities and attributes. It conveys the message, “You’re a fabulous person … and I want you to recognize and see that in yourself.” It, therefore, enhances that person’s self-esteem.

 

• Appreciation:This is more of a subjective, and personal, judgment. It is a feeling of gratitude for what that person’s done, or for the many different ways that they’ve enriched your life.

 

• Approval:This is affirming and valuing another individual – for who they are, what they add, or else for something they have done.

 

• Admiration: This takes approval to a higher level. It conveys the message, “You have raised the bar and achieved something great – something truly notable.”

 

• Acknowledgement: This is commending another in front of other people – so their profile is raised, and they are recognized and acknowledge (perhaps for something that they’ve achieved or have done.)

ACTIVITY: Review the key components of feeling valued. Which have you experienced in your relationship with your partner or spouse? How has this affected the way you see and feel about yourself

Exercise 4 – What undermines the feeling of being valued?

• Using People For Your Own Purposes: We can communicate this in a myriad of ways – through our words, through our actions, and through our attitudes to others. For example, one partner may dominate another by their moods, by their outbursts, by their silence, or by their entrenched stubbornness.

 

• Criticism, Nagging and Finding Fault: These negative attacks undermine our sense of value, our self-worth, our self-esteem and our sense of competency. This conveyed sense of failure, and of not measuring up, will eventually drive a wedge between the person and their partner.

 

• Putting Someone Down In Front Of Others: Sometimes barbed and bitter comments are disguised and couched in humor but the intention behind them is to undermine that person. This is destructive and can hurt and wound a partner.

 

• Being Disregarded or Ignored: This is often more painful than outright rejection as it sends the message, “you are insignificant – and you simply don’t matter at all to me.” Thus, there is nothing they can do to get attention from that person; they feel as if they don’t exist, and have no real significance. This inevitably leads to a poor self-image, to low self-esteem, and to a deep sense of worthlessness.

ACTIVITY: Review the things that undermine significance. Which have you experienced in your relationship with a partner or spouse? How has this affected your view of yourself and your ability to form close, trusting relationships?